


Malec

by Ayakox



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-11-29 03:40:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11432409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayakox/pseuds/Ayakox
Summary: Alec is going to marry Lydia but Magnus is pushing to prevent that to happen.I've basically rewritten some of the 1x12 episode's scenes from Alec's pov.





	1. Confusion is part of it

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter takes place in Magnus' loft.  
> Here the two of them talks about Alec's wedding and his feeling about it.
> 
> As always I apologize for the mistakes you could find, but English is not my first language ~

*** Alec's  _ **P**_ oint _**O**_ f _**V**_ iew ***

 

"But... we've never really finished our conversation after Izzy's trial."

 

Those words made me swallow. I clenched my teeth, nervously. I perfectly knew what he was talking about: I ended up thinking about that since we've been interrupted. And I wasn't ready to continue that conversation. At all.

 

"About your wedding" he said pointing at me with a nod of the glass he had in his hand. _Damn_ , I thought. I was screwed. I had to find a way to go away. That conversation could be really dangerous; I decided to marry Lydia to help my family, to make my parents proud, to restore our name. She was a gentle and worthy partner to share my life with. She was a Brainwell and the Clave really had great consideration of her opinions. That was a good choice, the best possible, probably. And even though I knew this, it was so hard for me to accept her as my _wife_. _I_ proposed to her. _I_ decided to marry her, yes. But I just wanted to do the right thing for my family as first-born and as Lightwood. But inside me I was screaming. I screamed all the time. I didn't want to touch her. I didn't feel the urgency of kissing her. I could barely acknowledge she was beautiful. And the only thing that was preventing me from quitting was the desire to be the Shadowhunter my family did need to not fall apart. Thinking about that allowed me to going on. And then there was Magnus.

 

He called me, he smiled, he fascinated me. When he was around it was too difficult stay focussed or relaxed. His presence just incited nerves throughout my body. It was like I could feel his closeness with all my body. Everytime I was with him I felt my blood flush into my veins, I felt the need to touch his cheek, his hair. And everytime I prevented myself to lose control. But now it was so difficult... He was really trying to stop me and I didn't know why. How could I know what he really felt for me? How could I know he wasn't just playing with me? I couldn't. And even thought I'd really loved to play with him a little longer, I had to stop all of that before it was too late for me. I didn't want to suffer. And I didn't want to disappoint my family. I couldn't do that.

 

"There's no conversation to be had. I'm getting married" I said looking at him, right into his eyes. I tried to look the most firm and sure possible. "You and I, we understand marriage very differently. I'm a Shadowhunter. This is about family and tradition, honor--" 

 

"Honor?" Magnus interrupted me, a smirk on his face for a second before to see his expression change in a doubtful one. "Where's the honor in living a lie?"

 

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

 

I had to leave.

 

But I wanted to know.

 

I did need to know how deeply he could see through me.

 

And I knew it would have hurted. I was ready to bleed.

 

"What are you talking about?"

 

"What about..." he took a couple of steps, my body could feel him getting closer even though he still was far to me. "...love?" 

 

Again he moved and now he was close enough I could have touched him if just I would have tried. I stiffened, I was scared from the words that were coming.

 

"Even Shadowhunters fall in love, Alec."

 

Magnus was smirking. He was looking in my eyes and I could feel what he was thinking about me. And I was even more scared because somehow I wasn't able to know what _I_ was thinking about myself.

 

"Just tell me you're in love with Lydia and I'll stop."

 

I could feel my lips parted, my mouth opening and... no sound coming out. I couldn't. I couldn't say that. I was not a liar... Maybe sometimes I lied when it was necessary, but in that moment.... I couldn't. Not in front of those eyes. 

 

 _Crap_!

 

I swallowed again, looking away, trying to not fall. I had taken my decision, it was too late to change my mind. I got too far to quit like that. "I don't know" I said, at last, looking at him.

 

His glance was too much for me to bear.

 

"Why do you keep pushing?" I asked, nervously. Why me? Why did he look at me? No one ever had. It was always Jace that got all the attentions. He knew how to manage them. Why did he keep looking for _me_? He could have have anyone he wanted. Why me?! All those questions just crowded in my mind and none of them went out from my mouth. Just a confused and pathetic stammering.

 

I tried again and still no word came out.

 

I licked my lips looking down to run away from his eyes.

 

"You're confusing me" I admitted, at last, looking at him, a little bit angry. Why did he has to do that to me? Why he had to make all of that even more complicated? I moved beyond him trying to get closer to the door without leave, though.

 

"Confusion is part of it" Magnus said leaving the glass on a little glassy table nearby. "That's how you find out it's something there. Emotions are never black and white. They're more like symptoms" he added coming closer to me, smiling, looking at me without esitation. He was so sure about what he was saying... And i was feeling more and more nervous. I wanted to run and to stay at the same time, incapable to move at all. I couldn't stop looking at him. At the way his shirt showed a part of his collarbones, the traits of his neck all his way up to the jaw. He didn't have beard that day, his face appeared so smooth I just wanted to touch it with my fingers. And I was hating myself for those thoughts. I couldn't think at that way anymore. I was going to be married... To a woman. A beautiful and nice and lovely woman. I was bewitched. I was following every step with my own eyes, I couldn't stop looking at him. I felt nervous and sad and panicked. I wasn't sure I wasn't trembling in that moment.

 

Magnus came closer. He started walking all around me, slowly, like a predator who was trying to decide where attack his prey from.   

 

"You lose your breath every time they enter a room" His voice was lowering little by little and the atmosphere in the room was changing. I felt a pang in my heart. It wasn't properly painful but it wasn't pleasant either. My mouth was dry, my eyes ran away from his face. Somehow I lost my breath. I felt like I had no air in my lungs anymore, just for few seconds. I already knew that feeling... In my mind I had started associate it to that loft. That happened to me everytime I entered in that house. But now, in that moment, I knew it wasn't the place I was in. It was Magnus. It was his closeness. His low voice near my ear. 

 

"Your heart beats faster when they walk by"  Magnus snapped his fingers and I felt my heart start racing. My hand ran up to my chest, I could feel his accelerated beat against my palm. I didn't know if it was due to his magic or not. My heart always ran like that everytime he was so close to me. Somehow, though, I was sure that that time it was Magnus' work. And I didn't like it. "Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath" He whispered, soon after that, releasing a warm breath on my neck. It was like a caress, it made me shudder. It was too much for me. Too many feelings, too many thoughts. Too many forbidden desires. It was hurting me.

 

He was playing.

 

He was seducing me.

 

He was showing off.

 

But I... I was suffering. I was stucked between my desires and my duty and I couldn't throw all my efforts away just for selfishness. Why couldn't he understand that?! Why was he making everything so much complicated? 

 

I turned away to evoid his glance, to gather my thoughts. I couldn't stay there anymore. I had to leave. I reached my limit. I couldn't have resisted any longer, at that point. I breathed in before turning around towards Magnus, facing him.

 

He was beautiful. He was looking at me, he was waiting for an answer. I knew he was searching that in my eyes even before to hear it from my mouth. Probably because he knew that what was in my eyes was very different from what my words said.

 

"I know you feel what I feel, Alec" he said with a little, bitter smile. He wasn't scared at all to show what he was feeling. He didn't have any fear to desire something like that. Someone like _me_. But if it was so simple for him, it didn't mean it was for me. And he couldn't understand that.

 

I snorted sarcastically feeling my heart hammering in my chest. "You don't have any clue what I feel..." Maybe he could understand the desire, the need to touch his skin, to feel his breath on my lips. But there was so much more inside of me that he couldn't understand. The fear, the duty, the... shame. I had accepted my feelings a long time ago. It took so long to accept I didn't want a girl at my side. And I couldn't say it to anyone! Izzie understood on her own even before I realized that and she never criticized me for that. She had always tried to reassure me, to stand by my side. But I couldn't talk to her about my feelings... I just couldn't. And, of course, I could not talk about them to Jace. Not to the person I liked...  But even though I had accepted my feelings I was still ashamed of what I felt. And this... I knew Magnus couldn't understand that. He looked sadly surprised from my words. Even disappointed. I thought I should have hurted him. And I hurted myself by hurting him. "So back off."

 

Those words costed me a great effort. I knew I was being cruel. I know I was intentionally hurting him, but it was my only chance to save the situation, my decision. It was my only chance to convince him to stop...

 

I turned around, walking toward the door. I couldn't bear the idea of leaving him behind like this, and yet I felt a river of words coming out from my mouth, violently. "This is all just a game to you, isn't, it?" I asked turning toward him, some step away, swallowing silently. My heart was still racing in my chest, my head was fill of a strange buzz. "You flirt, you laugh, you use magic, but at the end of the day, what do you risk?"

 

 _What do you risk, Magnus?_   _Uh? You say you want me, you say we feel the same things, and yet you have nothing to lose... I could lose everything! Why?! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?_

 

His face was a cold mask. Not a trace of a laughter on his lips now. Not a trace of any emotion on his whole face. It was killing me to see him like this but I couldn't stop. I was exhausted and tired and scared and words just didn't stop coming out. "Even if I did feel something for you... you want me to give up my life for you?" I continued, unstoppable, looking straight to him, serious, firmly, frowning. "I have to do what is right for me" What is right. Not what is good. Not what is easy. Not what I would... What is right. "I could lose my family, my career, everything!" And this thought was fucking freaking me out. Magnus didn't say a word. He was just looking at me, silently, swallowing, kicking my anger away until just sadness remained.

 

"You just don't get it" I sighed, at last, tired. My voice was a mix of exasperation and supplication. 

 

"You have a choice to make." The warlock said looking at me. His voice this time wasn't mischievous, wasn't a warm whisper. It sounded definitive. Somehow, inside of me, I felt defeated.

 

I turned around, toward the door, licking my lips. I did need to breath and I didn't want him to see the expression on my face.

 

"I will not ask again"

 

That sentence made me shudder. A cold, unpleasant shiver ran up to my neck. I was looking for those words for days, hoping to put an end to that story in order to be free to marry Lydia. And yet... It hurted. The possibility to see Magnus disappear from my sight was simply scary. The possibility he could actually have disappeared from my life made me wonder if I was really ready to that. I turned around to look at him but when I did, he wasn't there anymore.

 

Magnus was gone.


	2. Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is getting married but something's wrong.  
> His heart is hummering in his chest and a deep pain keep prod his stomach.
> 
> I've basically rewritten some of the 1x12 episode's scenes from Alec's pov.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter takes place at the Institute.  
> The wedding is starting and everything seems to go for the best...
> 
> As always I apologize for the mistakes you could find, but English is not my first language ~

*** Alec's  _ **P**_ oint  _ **O**_ f  _ **V**_ iew ***

 

 

Izzy had been great. 

 

I knew she would have done a good job as wedding planner.

 

The room was simply indescribable. A long red carpet ran for the room drawing the path between the entrance and the altar. The golden runes were drawn along the black edges of the carpet while hundreds golden confetti were lying on the floor like flower petals. Dozens of white and golden chairs where neatly disposed on the sides of the carpet, filling the room. A warm colored light entered the room from the several windows present in the hall. Their glass were decorated with a colorful rhombus fantasy in the perfect style of an ancient church. White flowers were present near the altar and their scent filled up the entire place. Friends, relatives and Shadowhunters I had never seen before were there, all around me, taking a seat or talking in low voice while some classical wedding music were playing all around. 

 

Everything was going as planned, everything was perfect. People keep coming and the wedding would have started in a few minutes. Jace were at my side, fixing my jacket, attentive as he's always used to be with me. I had my parabatai back and that was the only good thing I could see in that moment in my mind. While time was ticking everything I could think about was that I wanted that thing to end as soon as possible. I was nervous. I was tense. I couldn't stop clenching my jaw or relax my body. It was like I was on mission instead at my own wedding. It should have been the most beautiful day of my life and it seemed like I was going on the gallows. Everything looked so wrong, all of a sudden, now that I was so close... Something was screaming deep down my chest, my heart was racing, hammering against my rib cage. But I had to be strong. I just had to breath and going on. That was the best thing to do. That was my duty as Shadowhunters and Lightwood. And Lydia was a good person, afterall. She was beautiful and clever and strong.

 

_And a woman_ , I couldn't help but state it.

 

Time was passing by and the cerimony would have started in a while. I silently swallowed looking at the room, noting my parents were getting closer to me. "When you first proposed to Lydia, I'll admit, I was wary." my mother said looking into my eyes. I supported her gaze without even blinking and I felt a sort of clench at my chest. "But now..." Her hands ran on my body, on my chest, stroking softly the fabric of my wedding suit. "You've made me so proud" She was smiling, her eyes were shining of mute tears. And that sight made me feel awfully. She was so happy and proud for something I didn't even want to do. I tried to smile in turn, clenching my hands. I didn't want to make her worry. I didn't want to ruin anything... I had made my decision and that was it. Maryse cupped my face for a second and then she turned away to take her seat. My father didn't say anything, he wasn't that kind of person. We've never had an intimate conversation before, he was pretty shy and so was I.  We just looked at each other and shook hands in a very formal way before separating.

 

I sighed nervously. The calm and the security I had shown up until that point were gone and all what's left was anxiety and fear.

 

"All right, you're ready for this?" Jace knew there was something wrong. He knew me, maybe better than I did, and he was worried about me. He didn't want me to suffer, but what I could do? Disappointing my family? Pull me back? No. No. No can do.

 

"As ready as I'll ever been" I said, firmly, looking at him.

 

"Good"

 

"I'm glad you're here with me"

 

"Wouldn't be anywhere else"

 

Jace had always been there for me. He was my anchor, he was my friend, my brother. He was my parabatai. He literally was a part of me. A fondamental one. And, in that moment, he was the only real thing capable of giving me strenght. I sighed and then I took my place at the altar. Jeremiah recalled the order with his creepy voice inside our heads and the guests istantly sat down. Silence filled up the room while I was feeling my hands getting colder and colder. My body was trying to scream what I didn't have the strenght to say. 

 

_I don't want to_.

 

But it was too late.

 

Isabelle came in her tight golden bridesmaid's dress, smiling at me, reaching the altar. Soon after that Lydia entered the room in her wonderful wedding dress. Her dress was gold and white and her cheeks were dyed of a soft pink. She was beautiful. 

 

She walked through the nave and at every step I felt my heart wincing.

 

I felt dazed. My head was spinning, my hands were sweating. I was looking at her and all I could think of was that I wanted to run away. Magnus words kept sounding in my ears and his voice just made my heart singing. My body moved mechanically, without almost realizing it. My mind was blank, my sight was blurry and confused while the cerimony was going on. Everyone was watching at us, no sound around us, not even a tiny one. We were the centre of the world and I was feeling as if I was going to fall straight to its deepest core. All of a sudden I realized what was happening.

 

Lydia was holding my right hand, the tip of her steele was about to touch my skin when something interrupted us. A sound. No. A noise. Like a slammed door.

 

My head rose, my eyes opened widely. Lydia stopped her hand right before to draw the wedding rune on my hand. I tilted my head toward the room but somehow I already knew what was going to happen. A part of me was waiting for that moment to come. A part of me was singing of joy.

 

Magnus stood in the middle of the nave, looking at me. He didn't say a word. He was just there, waiting.

 

_You have a choice to make_. he said last time we saw. That was time for my answer.

 

And I knew, _I knew_ , I should have said to back off once again, that I should have said him to go, that it was too late for us. But... it really was? We were in the middle of a wedding, yes. _My_ wedding, but... I wasn't married.  Yet. It still was possible for me to back up. 

 

I felt a thousand shivers rise my back, tickling my nape. My head was a mess of thoughts and possibilities and everyone was watching at us, waiting. Someone was whispering something around me, a slight hum filled the room and I didn't get even one word. I was barely aware of that rumor. 

 

I couldn't do anything else but staring at him, at his wonderful, beautiful face.

 

 All the world just froze around me. My life had come to a turning point.

 

I could marry Lydia, a woman I cared about but I didn't love, and be the Shadowhunter my family wanted me to be. 

 

Or...

 

Or I could reach that stunning man and simply be myself, Alec, turning my back to my career, to my family, just to grip the possibility to be myself once in a lifetime.  

 

It would have been so wrong? So selfish? Wishing to be what I really was? Wishing to can love the person I was interested in? So many times I wondered about. So many times I've tried to figure it out, and still I wasn't able to answer to that question. Magnus himself asked me the same thing. How could I ever think to be a man of honor if I would had lived a lie? I felt so tired. So overwhelmed. I could feel the pressure of my decision weighed on my shoulders. I could feel the pressure of the expectations of those presents crushing my head. I felt my throat tighten and my heart beating faster than ever.

 

How long did I stood there just staring at him?

 

How much time has passed before Jace asked me how I felt?

 

Too long. Everyone was waiting for me to say anything. And I... I didn't have any clou what to say.

 

"Alec?" Lydia smiled at me, whispering my name with sweetness.

 

I turned my head toward her, swallowing. It was difficult, my throat tighten more and more.

 

"Ehy" she chuckled, gently. She was trying to make me comfortable and I felt guilty instead. She had to feel embarassed in that moment, there, on the altar at her wedding day, risking to lose her husband even before to have one, and yet she didn't show any trace of anger or sadness or bother.  

 

"I..." my voice was hoarse, low. "...I can't breathe" I admitted, feeling scared and nervous. 

 

"I know. It's okay" she tried again to calm me down. Watching her kindness to me made it all clearer. I couldn't do this to her. She didn't deserve what I was doing. I was using her as a tool to be someone I was not. I was using her name, her heritage to clear up mine. I was using her to hide my true feelings, my true essence. It was unfair. To her and to me. I didn't want her. I did care about her, we could have been good friends in different circumstances but I didn't love her. I didn't desire her. I would have never done.  

 

"I can't do this" My voice was firmer and my eyes were honest while I was staring at her. The weight I had on my chest just melted as soon as I said those words. "I thought we were doing the right thing, but... it isn't it" 

 

She deserved an explanation, at least.

 

"You don't have to explain" Lydia said. She was calm, posed and chilled. She looked perfectly controlled despite all of that. She really was a great woman. But she wasn't right for me.

 

"Lydia, I'm sorry" I truly was.

 

I should have comfort her. I should have say something else to make her feel better but it really wasn't my thing. I've never been good at those things and I did let her to continue. She was comforting me. The girl who had been left was comforting the boy who left her. It had to look so weird, didn't it?

 

"You deserve to be happy, okay? I'll be fine" she said, chuckling,  stroking my cheek with her hand. I wasn't able to say anything, I could just nod and breathing deeply.

 

Somehow, without even realizing it, I made my choice. People kept staring at us, Magnus stood still on the same spot of before, waiting for my answer. 

 

I had an answer to give but... Was I ready to give it?

 

I turned toward him and I kept staring at him. The more I watched his image, the more I was sure I was doing the right thing. Everything, now, sounded just right for the first time since the moment I entered that room.

 

My gaze slipped on the guests around us. Curious people, incredulous people, outraged people, impatient people was looking at me. Simon and Clary trembled expectant, their lips parted, their eyes open wide. My parents were shocked, my mother was simply speechless. I could read their thoughts on their faces and, once in a lifetime, I realized I didn't care. Someone was disgusted, someone was wrinkling their nose at the presence of a downworlder there, inside their sacred Institute and someone was looking at me with disapproval and disappointment. Nothing mattered beside Magnus. Everything simply vanished around us untill only us remained. There were just me and him. Me and him. I took a step forward, descending the altar's steps, feeling people holding their breath. I was feeling more and more relaxed and firm as time passed.

 

It took me a while to realize I was ready to move on, but finally I was sure. Sure of what I wanted, sure of what was right and what wasn't.

 

Magnus didn't move, he stood still looking at me. I noticed a tiny little movement on his face as soon as I got down the steps. His forehead had just relaxed, just a bit, as if he wasn't sure of what was going to happen.

 

And that was it: no more waiting, no more distance. 

 

I walked toward him ignoring the rest of the room, their glances, their whispers, just focussed on him. 

 

"Alec. What are you doing?"

 

My mother tried to stop me, she tried to reach me but I didn't even stop. " ** _Enough_** "

 

Enough building up excuses for my totally absent sentimental life.

Enough deny my true feelings, my true desires.

Enough trying to be a perfect Shadowhunter when I was forgetting how to be a  _person_.

Enough hiding behind society standards.

Enough.

 

I kept walking until I reached Magnus' side grabbing him by the lapel of his suit. I've never been that impulsive or bold before, but in that moment I knew it wasn't me. Or at least, it was. But it was a new me. The real me. It was an Alec who just wanted to accept him in his life. It was an Alec who was tired of deny the desire he has always had of those lips. It was an Alec who wasn't scare to admit who he was and who he _wanted_.

 

I pulled him toward me grabbing his suit and I left that everything just happened.

 

Our lips were pressed together, his nose against mine, his hair stroking my forehead. I could feel his breaths in my mouth, on my face, the warmth of his presence against my body. My heart was racing in my chest but this time it didn't scare me, it wasn't painful or unpleasant. I felt alive as never before. I felt strong and firm and sure and... complete. I felt as if everything in the world had come back to its place. As if everything was finally right while Magnus' lips were knowing mine. His lips were hot and sweet and warm. I could feel how soft they were and it was like heaven between my hands. Suddenly I felt the urge to check it was real. Actually real. So I parted my face from his and I opened my eyes. Magnus was there, his lips red and wet from our kisses and his eyes full of a warm feeling I couldn't recognize. He was beautiful. He was real. He was mine.

 

I felt butterflies in my stomach, my head spinning and the need to kiss him once again.

 

And so I did. My lips looked for his and my eyes got shut. I got lost in that new, wet and passionate kiss and I wondered, for a moment only, if Magnus felt exactly like I did.

 

Probably, though, If Magnus would have told me he knew what I was feeling, I would have replied at the same way I did the last time.

 

_You don't have any clou what I feel_.

 

I was sure he couldn't understand how much important that moment was for me. How much special it was. How much happy and confused and scared and sure and lost I was feeling in that exact moment.

 

But, maybe, if he would have forgiven me for my stubborness, one day he would have understood what he meant for me deep down in my heart.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand this is it!
> 
> I really wanted to deepen Alec's thoughts about that moment and I tried to do it with all I had.  
> I'm sorry for the mistakes but I'm still learning >.< I hope, thought, it still is understandable :p
> 
> If you liked it, please leave a comment and let me know what do you think about it ♥

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you liked it!  
> I've taken dialogues directly from the episode and added Alec's feelings and thoughts about them.
> 
> This is the first time I do something like that, but I thought it could be a nice idea :')


End file.
